11-14-10
The term, Human Trafficking wasn't made public until the early 2000's, but even today most are still shocked that Modern Day slavery even happens. During my escape in the mid to late 90's, resources weren’t available to me, because no one saw me as a victim of trafficking, I was either a prostitute or a run away, which didn't help in my recovery. I did things I couldn't understand, I fell for the same abusive men/women and didn't know why? I felt lost and isolated in my journey of recovery. Even through the trauma I endured, I was still an outgoing person with no boundaries of what I was or wasn't allowed to talk about. A year after my escape I befriended a Christian man and I wasn't aware of my lack of communication etiquette. In my life, I grew up with 1st Generation Korean-American parents who spoke English as their second language. I wasn’t popular in school and teachers couldn’t comprehend my defiance, so it was easier to label me as ‘retarted’ or slow. So my communication skills were never taught. Then I was trafficked, I doubt the traffickers even cared that we spoke English, all they cared about was our compliance to their commands. I was just pleased that he was nice to me and I wanted to be accepted by anyone. We had met at church and he offered to take me home, but I was residing in a group home. During our ride we made short conversations and I told him I use to be a prostitute, my thought of living a life of prostitution was ‘normal’. Little did I understand that he was shocked by my answer. I had expected him to take me to his place and take advantage of me, because that's what I was used to. Instead, the gentleman continued to take me to my home where I stayed. I felt rejected. It was the first time I wasn’t groped, degraded and wasn’t wanted in any sexual form and I felt rejected. I felt confused. On one hand I was prepared for the sexual advances whether I consented to them or not. On the other hand I felt lost, thinking was I not pretty enough? Did I not wear the appropriate attire to sexually lure him in? I remember going into my room and looking at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out what was wrong with me?
It wasn’t until years later, I realized he was being a gentleman. Even after our first encounter, his peers even assured me that he respected me. I didn’t comprehend what that even meant.
To this day, we are friends and have lost touch for awhile and reunited on facebook. He still recalls that first night he took me home, but he told me that there was an innocence that was lost in me that made him continue to be my friend, to show me God's love and that was what he did to the best of his ability. I was not an easy person to handle. I was still an addict and receiving help from anyone that came with rules was not my idea of fun. To me, I felt like they were plotting against me or trying to control me. I felt in my mind that I deserved to be defiant because I was held bondage for so long, so I would justify my behavior. I would purposely sabotage my relationship with anyone that was stable or healthy and chase after those who were toxic and violent towards me. At that moment, I thought that was normal. I was unaware of my own toxic behavior, I thought I was still surviving, trying to figure out this so-called ‘life’. When I would be down on my luck, I would get frustrated that no one helped me especially the relationships I had sabotaged. I remember the quote from Marilyn Monroe, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell shouldn’t handle me at my best.” I remember feeling powerful in that statement, not realizing that it was toxic itself. Why would anyone allow you to be toxic at all to them?
In my desperate attempt I would threaten suicide, or admit myself in a psych ward just to have free meals and a bed. My behavior was so conflicting. When I really needed psychological help, I was thrown out. When I used the institution to play victim, they kept me longer than I wanted. It was so confusing for me. I felt like a failure and thought God was angry with me. I was never big on church or being religious, but I joined because I was desperately seeking some type of connection. Whenever I was homeless, I would sleep in gas station bathrooms and lock the door from the inside. If I wanted food I'd dig through the dumpsters of nice restaurants that were throwing away tons of uneaten food. When I was bored and needed to feel important in some way, I would go to churches, Narcotics/Alcohol Anonymous groups. Most of the churches that I knocked on, the person that was in charge of outreach weren't available so the secretary couldn't help me. I remember when church would start so I'd walk in during church and ask for meals or a place to stay. I had made friends along the way that were very kind in assisting me, but it was temporary. It was always temporary, there were times I wished I was a child so that someone could adopt me and keep me in their homes.
I remember as I was walking down the street near an old shopping center there were lights in an old store with people and chairs. I stood outside and heard the man speak, "When you get SICK and TIRED of being SICK and TIRED, that's when things will change." I never forgot those words, but he was right. I wasn't sick and tired at that moment, because I was comfortable begging, not having to pay rent, to lower my dignity by trading my body to be somebody's slave. It was survival, but I was comfortable in it. My survival in this way continued for a very long time and it was hard to seek change. I assumed my life would end up being in poverty and homeless. I could roam around wherever I wanted to I didn't have to follow anybody's rules, but if you ask me today, would I ever relapse? No and I'll tell you why. When I had my son, I couldn't bear to place another child for adoption, the emotional grief and trauma that these adoption places never prepare you for, I couldn’t do that again. I have no regrets, but I would recommend an aftercare for birthmothers instead of throwing them out after you take our babies. My daughter would've been homeless and constantly on the run with me and the end result would be foster care and I didn't want that to happen. I don’t trust the system and I wanted to give her something I never had, a real home without violence. By the time I gave birth to my son, I realized I had to change in order to give him something better. In 2000, I made new friends and started a new beginning for myself. From the help of my friends, I was able to get a job, an apartment and my own car. I learned what responsibility felt like. The moment my depression and flashback had hit me, my work performance started to go down and I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I had been given every type of medication, but it didn't help me at the time. I was very defiant when it came to taking medication. Isn’t it ironic that when I was an addict, I wanted every drug that was available, once I got clean I hated taking medication? Then in the fall of 2000, I moved to St. Paul, MN. I moved because one of my traffickers had found out that I was back in TX and I was afraid they would come after me. When I became a resident in MN, I realized that my depression was too much and sought out for help, I pleaded on bended knees when I visited the Mental Health center and a doctor approached me and introduced me to DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) that was started by Marsha Lanahan.
I started attending the groups and it was a coping skills group for people who've gone through trauma. In the past I’ve done everything from one-on-one counseling, support groups, 12 steps, NA and AA and nothing worked for me. When I found DBT, I never felt more connected in my recovery journey. Please do not misunderstand me, the other recovery options may have worked for other people, but it didn’t work for me.
I don’t believe in the ‘one size fits all’. I’m huge on options. If someone told me there’s only 1 way to do something, I will walk away and find other alternatives. My favorite is the Core Mindfulness, I do my 3 minute meditation every morning before I do anything else and just relax in my guest room, listening to life escape music and focus on what I want to focus on. Taking control of my thoughts and my flashbacks. About three years ago, I returned to TX and wanted to continue with DBT here and have yet to find a doctor that practices that model, but I still have my materials and I practice them on a regular basis and that is how I continue to heal. I'm going to stop here for now, but I will share more shortly, but thank you for listening or reading.
Always,
Me.
