12-2-10
I recently got married in 2008 and about a month later, my husband was deployed. The idea of him being deployed didn't hit me until I realized he wasn't coming back for awhile and it was at that moment, I had fear of abandonment, in my mind I comprehended him leaving me as neglect so in my mind I became defiant. When we were dating I knew he was in the military and it didn't bother me. I was transitioning from Minneapolis to Dallas, TX; my father was battling Cancer and I needed to be close. My father also had guardianship of my son, so I wanted to be prepared to take my son back. In my first year of marriage, my husband was gone, but he financially contributed to help me get my son back. My husband will be returning home this weekend and I'm panicking! It just feels weird to me. I got use to him not being here and now that's he's coming, things will have to change and I'm not liking it at all. It feels so inconsistent. Me and Anthony got use to our own routine while he was gone and now that he's returning, I honestly don't know what he'll be like coming home?
In a marriage I felt stuck and I hate feeling obligated, to me I felt like I was being a prisoner. I didn't understand marriage at all. I was watching George Lopez the other night and the episode was about their daughter, Carmen, she had ran away and even though she was gone for two weeks, she used what she knew to get her own way. She threatened her father that she'd run away again if she didn't get what she felt she deserved without looking at the red flags and that's something I've been use to doing in order to get my own way. Ever since I learned about DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy), I want so bad to change and be healthy and stable, but there are times I want to throw the towel in. Everyday that I talk to my husband he reminds me that we do need each other no matter how independent we were, but unity does have its perks. I have to admit living with my husband I do have a home, my own car and I don't have to worry about finding a job and I need to learn to appreciate those things. I get to be a stay at home mom and spend time with my son and I feel as though me and my son have become closer through the years. I'm not being abused for the first time in my life, my husband has been so patient with me, my struggles and my triggers.
One thing I can say about my husband, he is not a clingy person. I can go out with my friends and not have him wonder where I'm going or what I'm doing. This is so different for me. Even other healthy men I've dated, they were somewhat clingy which I didn't like. My friend, Melanie is going through a divorce and she reminded me how lucky I am to have a man that is willing to listen and communicate with me and she is right. Most of my past relationships I didn't have very good communication skills, as a survivor I've learned to deal with things and to prepare myself for the worst instead of learning to wait and trust and that is the hardest thing to do. When I panic I tend to make the worst assumptions. This past week has given me things to think about and to truly appreciate them. My husband will be home this weekend and even though I want his homecoming to be perfect, I have to realize and give myself credit that I can do the best that I can and it's okay not to be perfect.
Marriage is a learning transition for me and having to go through therapy has helped me, one of my past therapist reminded me that I'm not doing bad things, I'm just going over the survival method of surviving in my marriage and I just need a new tool to handle changes in my marriage instead of resorting to running away. I'm still learning and I'll continue to learn as long as my marriage continues. Thank you for reading my blog. I'm sharing this because I want you to know that my marriage is far from perfect and we need to recognize our own flaws and accept who we are to become the warrior we need to be and that's what I still strive to be everyday.
Love Me,