11-23-10
Two days till Thanksgiving and I’m not even prepared nor do I want to celebrate it. Before my trafficking, holidays were a ritual in our family. Me and my sisters would do most of the cooking, my mom would make homemade apple pie, and our aunt would come and visit. That's what I remember about Thanksgiving. The years after that haven't been the same. When I was able to reunite with my family for the holidays after my escape from trafficking, I could feel the tension in the room. No one would utter a word about where I had been, it was a topic that was not open for discussion. When we'd go to Thanksgiving Mass at the Korean church the members would ask my family where I had been and I would hear my parents lie and say I was at a school far away. Wow, and I thought lying in a church was a sin? I just chuckled at myself about the irony of this perfect image we had to display to the church. This is what disgusted me about society not just in church, but everywhere. The last Thanksgiving I had with my family after my trafficking experience was when my son was a baby, but I never felt welcomed. My family wouldn't even call to say, "Happy Thanksgiving", they would call to see if my son was there and other times they would ask if they could keep him for the holidays and I was never invited.
What frustrated me was that when I would share my story of abuse, it’s almost as if people ignored the part where my parents were abusive to me. They would ask if I reconciled with my family, hoping for that ‘Hallmark’ moment of reuniting. Most victims of trafficking didn't have a "Happy Family Home", most would run away from an abusive parent or a toxic environment, happy and healthy children/youth don’t run away, so when most of us are found/recovered people automatically assume our lives are back to normal. Yes, it is back to that toxic environment that is never addressed, so our patience runs thin and we run away again. It is immediately assumed that the victim had failed because they left again. Reunification is not always the right choice, even if the family were not toxic, if you don’t address the core issue of ‘why’ this happened then it remains unresolved and the victim along with the rest of the family are left with an empty space between them. I always advocate to parents that when they see their child, they are no longer the same person.
During the holidays is the biggest challenge for victims/survivors, some victims aren’t welcome to come home and most don’t even think about that scenario. Most of my holidays were spent snorting lines, drinking so much to where I can’t remember where I was all just to escape the emotional emptiness I felt inside of me. The flashback, the trauma, the survival guilt. Even though I’m clean and a mother, it is very hard for me to appreciate the holidays. I would spend my time volunteering for the homeless so I don’t think about the sadness it makes me feel or when I’m being invited by friends who appreciate me.
If you are a survivor reading this, please know that you are not alone tonight and if I was there I'd invite you to my home and we could spend Thanksgiving together, enjoying all the food and company. This year I am truly blessed with my friend, Melanie and she has invited me to a Thanksgiving gathering from one of our church members. My son on the other hand is bummed out because he wants to stay behind and play with the neighbor's kid. I may not have the traditional Thanksgiving Dinner like they have in the movies, but I have my own family, my friends who love me and my home to share the celebration. Thank you for letting me share.